My Denial

Yesterday I went with a friend to try out a yoga class at her gym. I was having a rough day, and feeling weepy and unstable. The class was fine, but at the end, like in most yoga classes I have done, they give you a few minutes to lay on your back. You're supposed to breathe into your body, relax, and focus your mind on your breath and being in the present. I guess it caught me off guard. Normally I really like that part. It's the dessert. But normally I like "being in the present". Not right now. I'm really uncomfortable with the present. In the present I am empty, lost and broken. The huge, ugly, awful sobs were coming, and while I need to let those out sometimes, it wasn't in that room packed with strangers. So my mind dropped "the present" like a hot potato, and ran to hide back in it's happy place, the past.

Yep, the past is my comfort right now, and I'm spending a lot of time there. Maybe it is because babies grow so fast, that you're always saying goodbye to a phase almost as soon as it appears, but it isn't painful to look at pictures and videos, even from just a few months ago. I can reflect on those memories and just feel the pure joy of holding her, or watching her. In the past, I am full of purpose and happiness. I have worries, things I'm working on, and things I don't have figured out, but I know that I'm doing the most important things, especially being Brooke's mom.

So it occurred to me that that is my form of denial. The social worker at the hospital gave us some information about grieving, and I read through most of it. But in the hospital, we were in a very protected, sacred cocoon of grace. Heavenly Father knew we needed it then, but He also knows that He needed to set us back on our own legs to grieve. I still don't feel that He has left me alone. It's more like He is giving me some space to work on this so that I can grow the way I need to. But it is also comforting to know that denial is normal. I didn't understand how someone could really be in denial. I know that Brooke is dead. Believe me, I've thought through all that quite a lot. But I'm kind of enjoying this stage of denial. I could stay here a long time with my memories of Brooke.

Choking Hazards

I have noticed that many of the views of my blog are coming from a forum thread where someone shared our story as part of their fears about their children choking. Since it is something I have also been thinking about a lot, I thought I would write it down. It is a bit distressing to write, and probably distressing to read also. Don't read it if you think it will just make you overly anxious. But maybe it will help someone be better prepared.

I have taken CPR and First Aid classes that included infants and children three times that I can remember. The most recent was when I was pregnant with Brooke. I knew choking was a very real risk, and I paid attention. Nonetheless, I'm sure I did several things wrong when Brooke inhaled that bean. I'm sharing because it helps me process, and I hope that it can help others be prepared. But please don't rely on this. Take a Red Cross class, and make sure you really get to practice on the baby manikins  I don't remember doing that, at least in the most recent class.

I got my information from babycenter.com. Note that this is for kids over 12 months, infants are different.

1) Apparently I should have let Brooke keep coughing at the beginning. She might have been more effective at clearing the bean without my interference. I maybe watched her cough for 10 seconds, but it was very distressing because she obviously was having a very difficult time getting air.

2) When I hit her back, I don't think I had her head angled slightly upside down like you are supposed to do for infants. That was my intention, but I was too upset. However, I did have her leaning forward, like it says to do for a child. Brooke sort of seemed in between, and she was definitely small enough for me to hold like a baby.

3) I didn't hit her back hard enough, and I only hit her twice, not five times.

4) I totally didn't know what I was doing with the Heimlich, or chest thrusts. I don't think my hands were in the right place and I don't think I did it hard enough. However, she was completely not getting any air when I started, and she was getting a little air afterwards.

I can dwell on the things I did wrong, and the terror of those short minutes, and really torture myself. But I have been choosing to focus on messages of peace that the Lord has been providing me. My mom shared with me D&C 98:1 "Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks." Note that it is our choice to let our hearts be comforted. I don't believe that it is healing for me to think overly much on the things I can't change. But I do want to learn from my mistakes. I intend to take the Adult and Infant CPR and First Aid course soon.

I'm a bit concerned that I am going to become neurotic about choking hazards. It is really scary to think about all the things that a kid can choke on. I can see myself becoming completely unreasonable about it. Of course I'm going to be more careful, but I also hope that I don't let my fears get in the way of living life fully and joyfully. I want any future children that the Lord may bless us with to be able to play in gravel, pick blueberries, and eat apple slices, all without being traumatized by me scooping them up and constantly swiping their mouths for contraband.

Prayers and Answers

I've been on hiatus from the internet for nearly a week, taking time to be quiet, to hold my family close, to pray and ponder, and even to celebrate Thanksgiving. During this time, I have talked with both friends and family who are mourning with us, who have brought up their feelings and concerns about prayer. Two children who love Brooke, both age 8, said essentially the same thing, with the candor that only children seem to have. "But I prayed so hard! I asked God to make her better, and I really believed He would. Why didn't He answer my prayer?" Oh, do I ever understand that aching question! I prayed and prayed like never before in my life. I don't think I stopped praying for 4 days straight, with very few hours of restless sleep. She even received several priesthood blessings where she was told that she would make a full recovery. And I believed with all my soul that God could bring my baby back to me.

Somehow, through those awful days where the doctor's prognosis became more and more grim, and we began to understand that we weren't going to be bringing Brooke back home with us, the Lord began to heal me. He impressed upon my heart in no uncertain terms that it was time for Brooke to return to His arms, and that this whole agonizing experience is part of His plan. I also know that He loves me and wants me to experience a fullness of joy. Without that certain knowledge, I would not be able to even think about this question. I would be angry, destroyed, torn into a million pieces, with no hope or desire to continue living. I can't even describe what she means to me; all of my hopes, dreams and joy were wrapped up in that delightful little girl. But my Father in Heaven has whispered peace to my soul, and so I have been pondering on why He would command us to pray, and why He would even provide us hope of her being healed.

When I pray, I open my heart to my Father. I tell Him my deepest fears and desires. I try to understand His will, and His plan for me. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I'm just too scared, or I'm holding too tightly to my own desires. But praying still opens my heart to Him, even if it is only a crack, and allows Him to provide healing, and to prepare me to grow. I even think, that in my prayers for Brooke, Heavenly Father provided the hope that I needed to keep praying, even as He prepared my heart to let her go.

I feel like He is speaking to me like He spoke to the Nephites when He visited them after His resurrection:

3 Nephi 9:13-15. 20
13....Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?
14. Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.
15. Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God. I created the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are. I was with the Father from the beginning. I am in the Father, and the Father in me; and in me hath the Father glorified his name.
20. And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost..."

Even as those sweet kids knelt to pray, and asked God to help my little Brooke get feeling better soon, they were learning to open their hearts to His love, His will, and His powerful healing. If they didn't believe that He could make everything all better, they wouldn't pray to Him, and they would be left standing on their own without Him.

Now please don't go thinking that all the pain should be gone, or that everything is all hunky dory. I'm still crying, and I'm still kind of angry, and I really doubt that is all going away soon. We had a delay with the medical examiner so that we almost couldn't have Brooke's body for her funeral, and I was almost glad, because it gave me someone to be angry at! It was more satisfying than the directionless anger that I have been feeling. And then I see Brooke's handprints on the window where she liked to watch the dog in the backyard, and that anger melts into such pain and sadness. I think that some of this aching loneliness is going to be around until I hold my little girl in my arms again. But I do feel that my pain has a purpose, that God is teaching me through it.

Repentance is not a one time thing, that we do before we are baptized. And it certainly isn't just for people who have broken major commandments and are wanting to change. It is the means our Savior has provided for us to continually apply His atoning sacrifice so that we can grow into our full potential as His spiritual sons and daughters. Repenting means turning our hearts to accept His will. As a result of that, we naturally lose our desire to sin, or do things contrary to His will. I have repented more in less than two weeks than I have in two years.

Alma 34: 17 "Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you;"

I don't normally share my spiritual experiences so openly, just privately, and rarely, with people when I have felt prompted. But the Lord has blessed me so greatly through this experience, and I feel very strongly that part of the reason for this great blessing is so that I can share it with others. So I hope very much that this isn't offensive, and certainly, no one has to read it. I only hope that it offers some peace to your heart as you have prayed with us.

I would love to hear how you have felt God answer your prayers when it seems like He hasn't really. And how would you answer a question like that from a child?

Brooke's funeral

We are planning to have Brooke's funeral on Saturday, and we welcome anyone to come celebrate her joyful, loving life with us. The funeral service is at 2:30. We are planning to have a viewing starting at 1:00, although it is possible that there will be a hang up with the medical examiner, because he doesn't work holidays, and may have more urgent things to do. We will post on Facebook and this blog if that changes.

We are also having a reception after the funeral, also at the church, with pumpkin bread and videos and slideshows of Brooke. We would love to visit and hear your memories of Brooke and how she has affected your life.

The funeral will be held at the LDS Church at 8615 176th Street East, Puyallup, WA

Because so many have been asking, some friends set up a fund for donations if you wish. Because of the Tears Foundation and the Seattle's Children's Hospital Uncompensated Care Fund, along with surprising good insurance, we are not going to be financially burdened because of this experience. However, we would very much like to be able to support these wonderful charities, along with Olive Crest, with whom we were foster parents. Please consider donating either to one of these organizations directly, or to this fund.  Thank you!

THE BROOKE E. JAGGI MEMORIAL FUND
Many friends and family have expressed a desire to send flowers for Brooke’s funeral service or to help the Jaggis with the medical and funeral expenses. Friends of the Jaggi family have created the Brooke

 E. Jaggi Memorial Fund. Brooke’s family requests that those wishing to support the Jaggi family make a donation to the Fund. Your donations will be used to cover Brooke’s medical and funeral expenses, and all remaining funds will be donated to one or more of the following charities that have helped Sarah and Darrren through this difficult time: The TEARS Foundation (http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/), Seattle Children’s Hospital Uncompensated Care Fund (http://www.seattlechildrens.org/videos/uncompensated-care/), and Olive Crest (http://www.olivecrest.org/).
You can donate to the Brooke E. Jaggi Memorial Fund by:
• Wells Fargo Bank: Make a deposit to account number 7862923385 or by the name Brooke E Jaggi Memorial Fund. Deposits can be made at any branch, transferred from another Wells Fargo account or mailed in.
• PayPal: Make a PayPal transfer to the brookejaggimemorialfund@gmail.com PayPal account. Don’t worry if it says something about the money going to Sierra – that’s the name of the friend who created the Fund. The money will be deposited into the memorial fund account at Wells Fargo.
We can’t even begin to express how touched we have been by all of your love, prayers, and support. Thank you so much for all you have done for Sarah and Darren. Love, the Temus Family.

Hope and Fear and Hopefully Hope Again

Finally, good news, and this process to allow Brooke to be an organ donor is almost finished. The doctors pronounced her officially brain dead early this morning, around 3 am. I don't think that you want to know the details of what it takes to get that determination, but it was really long and hard. The organ donor people have been working hard to evaluate the condition of her organs, and match them to recipients. Right now, it looks like they have three kids who will be receiving her heart, kidneys, liver, pancreas and part of her intestines. It is so rare to have the opportunity to provide the miracle of a full and active life to three little ones as one of the outcomes of such a terrible tragedy. Life and death at the same time.

Earlier in the waiting room we happened to meet the dad of a little 3 month old boy, who has been in the hospital since the day he was born. The doctors say that the only way he will be able to grow up is if he has a heart transplant, but the parents don't feel that they can even pray for that miracle, because of what that would mean for another baby.

I've never experienced the power of prayer like we have over the last couple of days. It was truly the most spiritual experience of my life. Now we're coming down from that, starting to come down to just what is left of us without all those prayers. We are different, sort of stronger, but really fragile. Maybe kind of like what my muscles feel like after a really long, hard hike.

We went home last night for the first time. There have been very kind elves working in our apartment, picking up toys and beans, and washing our clothes. I don't even know who they all were, but thank you! I'm not going to be able to wash her handprints off of the mirrors and windows for a long time though. We have a long way to go in grieving, and learning how to live our lives without her.

I've discovered that there are at least two parts to grieving. The first part was finding peace and acceptance with letting Brooke go. We've been so blessed to find that here in the hospital. We completely turned our beloved baby over to God, with a sure knowledge that He loves her and us. We know that He would not take her from us now unless there was a very good reason, or even many good reasons. We trust Him with all our souls, and we believe that we will be reunited with her, and even have the opportunity to raise her.

But she has been our whole life! Everything we do, love, think about, plan on, dream of, it all revolves around Brooke. And now she's gone! She is leaving a gaping, raw hole in our lives. We have amazing family and friends. Darren has his job, and I'm trying to make some plans. But we have a lot of adjusting to do. It's a whole new painful, scary world that we're preparing to wade out into. It is terrifying. I don't know how I could do it without the gift of peace and acceptance with letting her go. And I don't know how I could actually step out of the hospital and attempt to move on without knowing that God won't let me down. That He is here with us through every painful trial. I'm still scared, but I have hope that Heavenly Father has a plan and a work for us as well as Brooke. I just don't know what that is yet.

Miracles

Today has been a day of miracles, not the miracle for which we had been praying, but powerful, life-changing miracles nonetheless.

From the moment we woke up this morning, we have been buoyed up and filled with the most wonderful spirit of grace and peace. I had a clarity of mind that allowed me to pray in detail. I went to the Lord and talked through all the possible outcomes. I asked Him about Brooke returning to His arms. I asked about Him healing her and returning her to us. And I asked Him about some of the in between situations, that honestly have been most terrifying for me, because I do not know how to make those decisions for her. Heavenly Father did not tell me what was going to happen today. Instead, He tenderly prepared my heart for each of those situations. I left that prayer prepared to thank Him and praise Him for whatever He would give me. And when I looked into Darren's eyes, I saw the same peace that I had found.

We spent the day similar to how we spent yesterday evening. We made Christmas ornaments with Brooke's handprints. We watched videos of her laughing, making faces, and exploring. We shared stories of all the ways she has brought joy in our life and sang Primary songs. We prayed and thanked God for the gift of 18 wonderful months with this precious little girl. With lots of family gathered around, Darren gave her a priesthood blessing. He told God that although we were here, asking for and believing in the miracle of healing her, we were also at peace with returning her to His arms.

Shortly after that powerful and tender blessing, Brooke's heart rate and blood pressure began to drop rapidly. We told the doctors that we did not want her resuscitated, and that we would like to let her go peacefully, but also that we wanted her organs to be donated. We have learned a lot about organ donation that we did not know at that time.

Apparently, in order to donate organs in the US, a donor has to first be legally declared either dead or brain dead. But if a person's heart has stopped, then most of their organs can't be used. Because of the drug that stopped the seizures and masks the condition of her brain (Pentabarb) is still in her system, the doctors have to wait until at least noon tomorrow to do their first full evaluation. In order to have her declared brain dead, they have to have two separate teams of doctors to do separate evaluations, 12 hours apart, in her case. If she hadn't been on the EEG, it would be 24 hours apart. After she has been declared legally brain dead, the organ donor people can start the process of testing her organs and finding matches. That takes at least 18 hours, but can take much longer. Because the process takes so long, it is fairly rare for a body to meet the physical criteria, and for family members to be able to handle it.

I feel that is part of the reason God has blessed us with this miraculous cocoon of grace. Without it, I don't think we could get through the next few days. But somewhere there are other families and friends praying for a miracle. They are praying for their little child to be able to laugh hard, to roll down hills, to play in the ocean, and to run after a dog. They are praying for a full and happy life for their precious baby. Now we are praying that Brooke's body will hold up through this process, and that she can be the means by which God works that miracle. Please pray with us for those unknown children.

Brooke's time on earth is at an end. She has had an amazing and joyful life. I have often wondered how God could bear to let her come down here, and I guess He knew that it would only be a short while. She has done what she needed to here on earth. She has made me a mother, and Darren a father. She has knit us so very close together. She has brought joy to everyone who has seen her. She has received her perfect, darling, chubby little body. She has lived every precious moment of her life to the fullest.

I hope that everyone who has hoped and prayed for our sweet little Brooke can feel some measure of the peace and grace we feel now. I know it is because of your powerful prayers and the mercy of God. Today I have felt light and happy. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would use those words to describe my heart on a day like today. But I have. I have felt lifted and floated. I have felt very close to the veil, and received wonderful spiritual impressions of the joy, beauty and love in the place where Brooke is now. We feel that her spirit has left her body, and that she is in the arms of our loving Savior, and with family that loves and cherishes her.

Brooke vs. the Bean

Wednesday evening around 5:30 I was working on dinner while Brooke played with one of her very favorite toys, dried kidney beans. I was feeling quite brilliant because I had thought to put her and her beans in a large plastic storage bin. She was having a great time, and I was thrilled, because nary a bean was to be seen skittering around my kitchen floor, and dinner was nearly done. She started coughing a little, and rubbing her nose, then her breathing started to become distressed. I picked her up and hit her back, then she stopped breathing and I tried the Heimlich. Nothing happened, I called 911 and tried hitting her back again. While I was on the phone, she started crying and coughing, but I could hear that there was an obstruction.

I think that the ambulance arrived in about a minute. It felt like a very long minute, but it really was very fast. I ran downstairs with Brooke, leaving the oven on, music playing and the door open. The paramedics were strapping us in together to take her to the ER when she went into cardiac arrest. They took her from me to start CPR and put in a breathing tube. I called Darren to come home and get the car. It is normally a 15 minute walk, up a steep hill. I think he was home in 5! They took us to Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland, probably 15 to 20 minutes. I've never cursed rush hour traffic so vehemently. At the ER she went into cardiac arrest again. They resuscitated her, re-intubated her, and put her back in the ambulance to go to Children's Hospital in Seattle.

At Children's, we were met by a special team. All they do is remove foreign bodies from the trachea of small children! After a quick priesthood blessing (thank you Dave and Sierra), she was in the OR, and the bean was out, although significantly larger than when it went in. Her right lung ruptured a little, because they had to use so much pressure to get enough air past the bean, but that is healing well.

Her brain is another story, that we probably won't know the ending of for way too long. If the damage was minor, then she should have woken up after coming out of the anesthesia, but she didn't. Instead, she started having seizures. Constant seizures every 2 seconds or so, for over 24 hours. It was so awful to watch. The doctors tried all kinds of drugs all night, and most of the next day. Nothing changed. Finally they added one that works, although it can damage the liver and pancreas, and it puts her in a coma (Pentobarbital). But we can deal with that. The hope is that stopping the seizures with drugs for a while (a couple days is the current plan) will allow her brain to rest and reset. Then the doctors will start decreasing the Pentobarb and increasing other drugs that won't knock her out and hopefully the seizures won't come back.

They know that the seizures are coming from deep in her brain, and are the result of brain damage. But they don't know how severe it is yet. If the seizures don't stop, or if they can't control them with more mild drugs, it is a sign of very severe brain damage, and they would have to put her back in the Pentobarb coma. The longer she is in a coma, the worse the likely outcome.

She is going in for an MRI in the next hour, and that should provide some more information. We pray that it is good.

So please pray, with every bit of faith you have ever hoped to have. She is in the hands of God. We know He loves her, even more than we do. And we know He loves us. We also believe that He is a god of miracles, and that those miracles are worked according to our faith. She has received two priesthood blessings, promising that she will recover. We don't feel that Heavenly Father wants to take her back, and we so desperately want to see her bright blue eyes filled with laughter again.

We are so very very thankful for all the of the love and prayers offered for Brooke and ourselves. We are thankful for the power of the priesthood, and the love and service that have been given. Thank you for asking your family and friends to pray for her too. Please keep it up. We have a long road ahead of us, and we appreciate knowing that we have your shoulders to cry on, and your faith to lean on. And we're grateful for the many offers of help. I'm afraid we are going to need it. We are thankful for the peace and strength that have been clear answers to heartfelt, pleading prayers. He gives us what we need to get through the next few hours, and then He gives us more. I pray, that through your prayers for our sweet baby girl, that you will also experience that sweet peace, reassurance and strength.