Finally, good news, and this process to allow Brooke to be an organ donor is almost finished. The doctors pronounced her officially brain dead early this morning, around 3 am. I don't think that you want to know the details of what it takes to get that determination, but it was really long and hard. The organ donor people have been working hard to evaluate the condition of her organs, and match them to recipients. Right now, it looks like they have three kids who will be receiving her heart, kidneys, liver, pancreas and part of her intestines. It is so rare to have the opportunity to provide the miracle of a full and active life to three little ones as one of the outcomes of such a terrible tragedy. Life and death at the same time.
Earlier in the waiting room we happened to meet the dad of a little 3 month old boy, who has been in the hospital since the day he was born. The doctors say that the only way he will be able to grow up is if he has a heart transplant, but the parents don't feel that they can even pray for that miracle, because of what that would mean for another baby.
I've never experienced the power of prayer like we have over the last couple of days. It was truly the most spiritual experience of my life. Now we're coming down from that, starting to come down to just what is left of us without all those prayers. We are different, sort of stronger, but really fragile. Maybe kind of like what my muscles feel like after a really long, hard hike.
We went home last night for the first time. There have been very kind elves working in our apartment, picking up toys and beans, and washing our clothes. I don't even know who they all were, but thank you! I'm not going to be able to wash her handprints off of the mirrors and windows for a long time though. We have a long way to go in grieving, and learning how to live our lives without her.
I've discovered that there are at least two parts to grieving. The first part was finding peace and acceptance with letting Brooke go. We've been so blessed to find that here in the hospital. We completely turned our beloved baby over to God, with a sure knowledge that He loves her and us. We know that He would not take her from us now unless there was a very good reason, or even many good reasons. We trust Him with all our souls, and we believe that we will be reunited with her, and even have the opportunity to raise her.
But she has been our whole life! Everything we do, love, think about, plan on, dream of, it all revolves around Brooke. And now she's gone! She is leaving a gaping, raw hole in our lives. We have amazing family and friends. Darren has his job, and I'm trying to make some plans. But we have a lot of adjusting to do. It's a whole new painful, scary world that we're preparing to wade out into. It is terrifying. I don't know how I could do it without the gift of peace and acceptance with letting her go. And I don't know how I could actually step out of the hospital and attempt to move on without knowing that God won't let me down. That He is here with us through every painful trial. I'm still scared, but I have hope that Heavenly Father has a plan and a work for us as well as Brooke. I just don't know what that is yet.
Always remember, my dear brave sister, that along with our Heavenly Father, we are here for you as you and Darren take these next steps. I wish with all my might that I may help make your burden light. That is my prayer.
ReplyDeleteoh sarah....You are one amazing women....I just want you to know that I love you and I am here for you if you need me!
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel comfort during this time
love nancy
Dear Sarah and Darren,
ReplyDeleteI have been a silent observer as I was uncertain of what to say and never wanted to intrude or get in the way. I cannot begin to say that I understand the depth of your loss or grief. I can only imagine what it would be like to lose Charlie, and the few experiences Katie and I have had with him in the hospital have wracked me with worry enough. I stand in awe of your strength. I shed tears for your grief. I kneel in prayer and supplication to Almighty God for your support and pray that He will bless you with the strength and faith to weather the current storm and days and nights ahead. As Katie said above, if she and/or I can do anything at this time or in the coming days to lighten your burden, please let us know. We love you.
-Keith
Sarah, I know that we have only made small talk during the time you were in Fruitland Ward. But your little family made quite an impact on our hearts. Please know that you all are in our prayers and if there is anything you might need, we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteWith much love and prayers,
Jennifer Dodson
Sarah and Darren,
ReplyDeleteI am so heartbroken for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Brooke is a sweetheart. We watched some of her videos as a family and really enjoyed the one where she played on the beach especially. We are praying for you.
Love,
Sarah L.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your journey via a mutual friend. I've been thinking of you day and day out and have shed many tears for you and Brooke. It's made me think so much about mortality and our time here on earth. It's just really affected me in a way I wasn't expecting it to. Maybe it's because I have a little one of my own that I find emapthy flowing out of me. I have been reading your posts and thinking about the 'come down' you mentioned. Because I just know I would never be able to be as strong as you guys have been, and that I would probably just be in despair the entire time. I spoke to my counselor about this today. I told her your story. It turns out she's lost a child. She told me that it's normal to have ups and downs and that you don't have to be strong all the time or be expected to strong all the time, because what happened is awful. So even though you are being amazingly strong, it's okay to grieve too, she said. I also told my mom about you and your beautiful little angel today as well. My mom also lost a child. I have a brother who died before I was born, when he was ten. It's been 30 years since my brother died. My mom and dad keep his memory alive, and life goes on, and his life continues to touch others live to this day, as I'm sure Brooke's will as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone in your grief. Thousands of mothers have been there and share in your grief, and even those of us like me who have not lost a child share in your grief. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense but I just felt compelled to share that with you. Maybe my brother and Brooke are up there in the Celestial Kingdom together right now watching me type this. I can feel your love in your posts and I know Brooke had a wonderful time on earth...and she's experiencing the best time in heaven, more than we can begin to imagine. God bless you and your family at this time. I will continue to be thinking of you and praying for you all.
Thank you for sharing Brooke with us this summer while we stayed at your parent's home. She is such a little sweetie and we will always treasure our time together. Thank you for being such an amazing example and strength for all of us. The atonement is real and the grace of our Savior shines through your words.
ReplyDeletewith love,
jason & natalie
My son got a cadaver kidney and it was weird to pray for someone to die. I couldnt do it. I just prayed that when the time was right everything would workout and the family would have peace. I call it a cadaver because we dont know anything about our kidney. Which makes me sad also. I am so glad you could donate her organs. It really is life changing for so many people including your family. Were all still praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your generosity. Our daughter who will be joining us in a month will likely need a heart transplant at some point. Some of the babies who have HLHS, like her, spend their whole lives in the hospital waiting for a heart that never come. It gives me such hope to know their are families like yours who think of others even during their own tragedy.
ReplyDeleteThis is the closest experience I think a person could have to understanding God when he allowed Christ to give up his life for us. Bless you for that. I personally believe many of the things we go through in this life are experiences we willingly accepted before we were born. It's incredible to think what a noble spirit Brooke is to save the lives of those other children.
-Cindy G. (from church)
Dear Darren and Sarah, I don't know that there is anything I can say to comfort you, but your last 2 posts are powerful. They are a comfort to many, I'm sure, who aren't as strong or haven't had a reason to have such faith and trust in our Savior. You are a great example. Our prayers are with you. May you have the support and comfort you need to get through the days, weeks, and months ahead. Love, Amy and Eric Nicholas
ReplyDeleteSarah-
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! We love you!
I have thought so much about your family this week...
Your beautiful little Brooke has been called on her mission even sooner than everyone expected.
We will keep your family in our prayers as you learn to cope with these changes!
you are truly an example of courage and unconditional love. What amazing parents you are! Brooke is so lucky to have you as parents. We keep you in our prayers daily and we love to hear updates (even though we are strangers) hugs from the Pugmire home in Utah.
ReplyDeleteYou are still in our prayers, and will be for a very, very long time.
ReplyDelete--Dyann