Yep, the past is my comfort right now, and I'm spending a lot of time there. Maybe it is because babies grow so fast, that you're always saying goodbye to a phase almost as soon as it appears, but it isn't painful to look at pictures and videos, even from just a few months ago. I can reflect on those memories and just feel the pure joy of holding her, or watching her. In the past, I am full of purpose and happiness. I have worries, things I'm working on, and things I don't have figured out, but I know that I'm doing the most important things, especially being Brooke's mom.
So it occurred to me that that is my form of denial. The social worker at the hospital gave us some information about grieving, and I read through most of it. But in the hospital, we were in a very protected, sacred cocoon of grace. Heavenly Father knew we needed it then, but He also knows that He needed to set us back on our own legs to grieve. I still don't feel that He has left me alone. It's more like He is giving me some space to work on this so that I can grow the way I need to. But it is also comforting to know that denial is normal. I didn't understand how someone could really be in denial. I know that Brooke is dead. Believe me, I've thought through all that quite a lot. But I'm kind of enjoying this stage of denial. I could stay here a long time with my memories of Brooke.
Oh Sarah, I've been thinking about you a lot the past couple days. I have had similar experiences in yoga - the sobs seemed to come from nowhere the moment I laid still enough and tried to just "be." I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your baby. So very sorry. My heart is still broken with yours. Take as long as you need in all the processes of grief. And please know that I remember you and sweet Brooke very very often.
ReplyDeleteDear Whitney and Sarah, I love you both so much, and admire you both just as much as I love you, which is a lot!!! Please feel my hugs to you Whitney!!
ReplyDeleteSince we're on the topic of Yoga, I'll give my Yoga impressions of the past couple weeks. I usually love my class, it is calming and healing and leaves me feeling strong, renewed, ready to take on the day. Not so much the past couple weeks, I was thinking, "Wow, I don't like how she has changed the class, it's painful and not at all like it used to be." Then I realized that I'm the one making it difficult right now, being rigid, not letting go. In a way it's almost like we need to, at some point, embrace the pain. I'm certainly not dictating any time line for that. Like Whitney said, "take as long as you need." But I guess that's the ultimate goal, to be able to cleave unto even this, not just get over it or get through it, but embrace it. I know it's going to take time and will be a process, not an event. In the meantime. I do so love you both and have you in my prayers that your hearts may be healed. Love Mom/Marti
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Marti, your comment reminded me if a book I have grown to love. Its called "Loving What Is," by Byron Katie and is on the topic you mentioned. She also has a website WWW.thework.com that may be helpful. Love you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your going through this, but like my mother in law always says to her two sons who lost their wives (too young) that grieving has stages and you have to go through them all. And they each can take a lot of time. I truly am so sorry, I know how much you loved being a mom, and a mom to Brooke. I pray for you always. Love and hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry. I know you don't know me (we have a mutual friend) yet I've been posting on your blogs, but I just don't feel like I can read without posting, if onlly just to let you know how very much I am thinking of you and that I pray for you every single day. My experience with grief is that it hits you in unexpected ways and over seemingly random things. With my brother who died when he was 10, I can't even listen to a song or watch or movie that was made the year he died without getting sad. It's like it's the worst year that ever was or something and it can make me cry.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to add that the photos of Brooke are beautiful and she obviously had a loving, joyous and wonderful time here on earth, which many children unfortunately don't get to experience and live lives of neglect and pain. I also wanted to mention with regards to my brother who passed away...my mom tried to kill herself numerous times after he died and was in the mental hospital for it. She doesn't have the knowledge of the gospel or the gift of the Holy Ghost (she isn't a member) and I really take so much from your example of faith.
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like to try not to feel anything, any fear, any sorrow, any pain...to freeze everything out. Problem is then you freeze out love and can't feel it anymore. You can't feel life. But you, Sarah, are very much alive because you have very much loved. And your willingness to share your reality reminds us to be just as brave. To embrace all our chances to love, so we can truly live.
ReplyDeleteBless you.
(Josephine=Diane, Darren's sister)
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you in the part about remembering Brooke endlessly from the past. In my mind she will always be gumming that first apple, discovering wet sand, feeding the animals, and living life to the fullest. I am SO glad you took so many videos of that vibrant little girl!
I wish I could do something to ease your suffering. In the meantime, I will continue to pray for your family. I love you, Sarah.
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