Prayers and Answers

I've been on hiatus from the internet for nearly a week, taking time to be quiet, to hold my family close, to pray and ponder, and even to celebrate Thanksgiving. During this time, I have talked with both friends and family who are mourning with us, who have brought up their feelings and concerns about prayer. Two children who love Brooke, both age 8, said essentially the same thing, with the candor that only children seem to have. "But I prayed so hard! I asked God to make her better, and I really believed He would. Why didn't He answer my prayer?" Oh, do I ever understand that aching question! I prayed and prayed like never before in my life. I don't think I stopped praying for 4 days straight, with very few hours of restless sleep. She even received several priesthood blessings where she was told that she would make a full recovery. And I believed with all my soul that God could bring my baby back to me.

Somehow, through those awful days where the doctor's prognosis became more and more grim, and we began to understand that we weren't going to be bringing Brooke back home with us, the Lord began to heal me. He impressed upon my heart in no uncertain terms that it was time for Brooke to return to His arms, and that this whole agonizing experience is part of His plan. I also know that He loves me and wants me to experience a fullness of joy. Without that certain knowledge, I would not be able to even think about this question. I would be angry, destroyed, torn into a million pieces, with no hope or desire to continue living. I can't even describe what she means to me; all of my hopes, dreams and joy were wrapped up in that delightful little girl. But my Father in Heaven has whispered peace to my soul, and so I have been pondering on why He would command us to pray, and why He would even provide us hope of her being healed.

When I pray, I open my heart to my Father. I tell Him my deepest fears and desires. I try to understand His will, and His plan for me. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I'm just too scared, or I'm holding too tightly to my own desires. But praying still opens my heart to Him, even if it is only a crack, and allows Him to provide healing, and to prepare me to grow. I even think, that in my prayers for Brooke, Heavenly Father provided the hope that I needed to keep praying, even as He prepared my heart to let her go.

I feel like He is speaking to me like He spoke to the Nephites when He visited them after His resurrection:

3 Nephi 9:13-15. 20
13....Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?
14. Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.
15. Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God. I created the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are. I was with the Father from the beginning. I am in the Father, and the Father in me; and in me hath the Father glorified his name.
20. And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost..."

Even as those sweet kids knelt to pray, and asked God to help my little Brooke get feeling better soon, they were learning to open their hearts to His love, His will, and His powerful healing. If they didn't believe that He could make everything all better, they wouldn't pray to Him, and they would be left standing on their own without Him.

Now please don't go thinking that all the pain should be gone, or that everything is all hunky dory. I'm still crying, and I'm still kind of angry, and I really doubt that is all going away soon. We had a delay with the medical examiner so that we almost couldn't have Brooke's body for her funeral, and I was almost glad, because it gave me someone to be angry at! It was more satisfying than the directionless anger that I have been feeling. And then I see Brooke's handprints on the window where she liked to watch the dog in the backyard, and that anger melts into such pain and sadness. I think that some of this aching loneliness is going to be around until I hold my little girl in my arms again. But I do feel that my pain has a purpose, that God is teaching me through it.

Repentance is not a one time thing, that we do before we are baptized. And it certainly isn't just for people who have broken major commandments and are wanting to change. It is the means our Savior has provided for us to continually apply His atoning sacrifice so that we can grow into our full potential as His spiritual sons and daughters. Repenting means turning our hearts to accept His will. As a result of that, we naturally lose our desire to sin, or do things contrary to His will. I have repented more in less than two weeks than I have in two years.

Alma 34: 17 "Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you;"

I don't normally share my spiritual experiences so openly, just privately, and rarely, with people when I have felt prompted. But the Lord has blessed me so greatly through this experience, and I feel very strongly that part of the reason for this great blessing is so that I can share it with others. So I hope very much that this isn't offensive, and certainly, no one has to read it. I only hope that it offers some peace to your heart as you have prayed with us.

I would love to hear how you have felt God answer your prayers when it seems like He hasn't really. And how would you answer a question like that from a child?